Something I’ve wanted to say,

But didn’t know how. ( Trigger warning – sexual harassment? / assault? )

I have wanted to talk to someone. I wanted to talk but there was no-one that I felt I could talk to about this… thing that happened. It was a thing that is hard for me to explain.

Maybe that’s down to not feeling like it’s important enough to talk about, what with other people out there experiencing very, very bad things. Maybe it’s also down to feeling that I was very, very stupid at the time. Although that’s probably me being way too harsh on myself. I was young.

I was young even to me, now that seems like it’s somewhat of an excuse for behaving weirdly whilst it was happening. So, I am not explaining this whole thing very well, mainly because writing this all down is making me extremely anxious. I try not to think about it all that much and as I said before I’ve never talked about it.

 

I was 19 and struggling at university. Really struggling with being psychotic, depressed, having Aspergers but no diagnosis and on a very demanding nursing course, lonely and riddled with self-loathing. It wasn’t a good time.

I was on my university campus calming myself down after a meeting with my tutor that had upset me a lot. At the time I was being pushed out of the course that I was on because of my mental health.

I had been sitting on a bench for a while, then I noticed a guy looking at me. A guy that at the time seemed a similar age to me. I was curious (I’d been bullied badly by guys up to this point) and so eventually screwed up the courage to go talk to him.

We talked rather awkwardly for a while and I started feeling a feeling that I had never experienced before. I talked about my Dad’s job, he said he was studying engineering. That was probably a lie…

I realize now that I was doing all the talking and he was sifting through it and picking out stuff to manipulate the conversation.

We talked and sat on the lawn near the art building… then suddenly he was kissing me. It was my first kiss. All I could think was…I’m not ready for this…this is disgusting. There was a lot of tongue involved on his part.

It was my first kiss. All I could think was…I’m not ready for this…this is disgusting. There was a lot of tongue involved on his part.

From this moment onward I found myself not able to move.

All I could think was…I’m not ready for this…this is disgusting. There was a lot of tongue involved on his part.

I couldn’t move and just sat there like a statue whilst he slobbered all over me like a dog. Like a huge snail sliming all over my mouth. Then his hand started creeping up my leg and under the skirt of my dress.

Then his hand started creeping up my leg and under the skirt of my dress. A dress that I had borrowed from my sister in order to look like I had my life in control, for my meeting.

I was desperately hoping that someone would notice that something was happening and save me. We were on the lawn. A place often covered with students, on this warm day though no-one was very close. Instead of people coming to my rescue, I’m inching away from him, trying not to gag because he tastes of beer and bad, bad dental hygiene.

All the hairs on my arms are standing up and my brain is screaming at me to slap him or scream. My mouth will not open.

Every inch I move he follows me and the grip on my thigh turns to petting and it’s getting higher and higher, closer to my knickers.

I don’t know what came over me then… but I faked a phone call from my dad and somehow got out of there. Politely because I’m British and had no idea how to do anything other than that. Then I went to the nearest shop and bought mouthwash and soap and spent a good ten minutes trying to be clean again. I headed straight for the bus station and then had a massive panic attack in the street. It only hit me then what had happened.

Ending the situation with a promise of meeting again on a Tuesday night, whilst my heart was hammering away in my chest. Then I went to the nearest shop and bought mouthwash and soap on autopilot and spent a good ten minutes trying to be clean again. I headed straight for the bus station and then had a massive panic attack in the street. It only hit me then what had happened.

I headed straight for the bus station and then had a massive panic attack in the street. It only hit me then what had happened and what might have happened.

 

How do I feel about it? Like I was very…stupid and naive. That I should have noticed how creepy he was earlier. Or that maybe I would have if I wasn’t hallucinating really badly at the time and if I didn’t have Aspergers.

That guy helped me feel better about being thrown off of my course 2-3 weeks later. I was so glad I probably would never see him again.

What would have happened, if it had ended worse than it did? What if he hadn’t believed me? What if he had followed me home? I sometimes sit and imagine scenarios of what could have happened like this…I still want to scrub my face and mouth clean.

 

So that was the thing that I needed to say. I’m not sure what to call this situation. This event that happened to me. I might have been a little overly cautious with the trigger warnings at the beginning but I wanted people to be safe.

Thank you for listening to this. Although putting it out there makes me feel very anxious I also feel very free from the silence I’ve kept about this since 2012.

You deserve love and you deserve it from someone who loves you.

 

Posted in Information, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Are we melting?

We are so tired right now.

I know that the temperature that we are dealing with right now is the reason for all of this.

It saps your energy.

Well, she needs to take off the shirt that she is wearing.

That is one of the reasons for all of this things.

Are we melting, or is this all me. Is this all me or is it you, I would like to know but I can’t remember.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Blossom

Blossom.

Blossom is very beautiful,

Blossom is beautiful indeed.

I would like to sleep.

I would like for her to sleep.

Sleep is important, but so is the work that she is trying to do.

This is work?

Is it work?

I think it is something that she finds to be very theraputic.

Hmm. That is a good point.

This keyboard is very noisy.

It is, I don’t like it.

I don’t like it either.

I think that she should go back to the thing but she is too scared to go back to the thing.

She hates talking on the phone.

She has always hated talking on the phone.

Going for a walk would be a great idea.

We need to get out of the house.

Let’s go on a walk on Monday, let’s try to get out of the house in the morning when it isn’t that hot and we won’t get sunburnt.

Is it as crammed full of poems as her brain is? Is it as crammed full of thoughts? I am filled to the brim as so is he.

Filled with poems is a thing that floats me upon the sea. The sea we are flowing through. We are floating here on the deep waters surrounded by the glowing of jellyfish,

Jellyfish are creepy and beautiful .She wants to see more of them. More jellyfish please!

I think the choking feeling is back again. We will have to help her through it once more.

Once more the help will come.

The help will come.

It will come.

Come.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I would rather not talk about it

Filled with the iron filings that rattle around in the bottles we carry around with us in the pockets of the cardigans we wear.

I am wearing one of those cardigans that are covered in glitter.

I would rather not talk about it.

Talking about the things that are rattling around in here in the space that are here in our brains.

A brain is something that can make decisions for us.

Sometimes they get poorly though.

Poorly brains can be a problem, a problem that we can deal with if we see people that can help us to deal with those things.

Don’t fight with the people that want to help you. That would be something that wouldn’t help with the situation.

Is there a situation that you think that you would be better at dealing with things than her?

Well she is a ghost child that bleeds everywhere…so I think I would be better at not causing a mess.

Her life is very messy as it is, it’s helpful when we try not to make it worse than it already is.

Wow we are really, really sweaty today.

Today is something, something that is uncomfortable in temperature.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Shark. Shark. Shark.

So many happy things and yet so many sad things.

So you need to spend more time on this. You need to spend more time on this whether you are hot or not.

It’s too hot.

It’s summer it’s supposed to be hot!

We are going to be miserable this year though!

We are so hot. We are so hot right now.

We can try these things that need to be done.

She has no energy right now because of the heat.

Because of the heat we will wander among the sand dunes of the desert.

How long have you walked in the desert? Long enough to find the sand has made it’s way into my belly button.

Her throat hurts now.

It’s from not drinking enough.

Are you sure?

Wow this is awkward.

You should go downstairs it is a lot cooler downstairs.

It sounds rude, it sounds like a personal attack.

Lying with your legs in the road is not a sensible idea.

You’d probably get run over.

Wow everything is really uncomfortable right now, isn’t it?

You need to write more.

We’ll find the thing tomorrow!

It is so very, very hot at the moment and it’s driving her crazy!

I know!

It would be nice to live without this allergy.

Shark. Shark. Shark.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Her butt’s gone to sleep

We have a lot of work to do today.

We really do, so let’s get on and get it done.

Yes, let’s.

I’m proud of you for getting over this well.

Wow, you really spilt a lot of stuff on this didn’t you?

Yes, she did but it was an accident. Everything was…

You lost your train of thought there didn’t you?

Yes, yes she did. She did very much so!

Is this going to be more comfortable?

I think so it will definitely be easier to read at least.

Wow.

Can people just not talk about nothing other than exclamations about things?

That would be nice.

It would be nice indeed.

Why don’t you just try?

I was good to you! I was good to you Micheal! I was good to you Micheal! I was good to you Micheal! I was good to you Micheal! I was good to you Micheal! I was good to you Micheal! I was good to you Micheal! I was good to you Micheal! I was good to you Micheal! I was good to you Micheal! I was good to you Micheal! I was good to you Micheal! I was good to you Micheal! I was good to you Micheal!

What’s going on?

Her neck is hurting a lot.

Her butt’s gone to sleep.

It’s ‘cos this seat is very uncomfortable!

I’m just going to awkwardly stand over here if you don’t mind!

Okay.

Feel free to do that. The girl with the bleeding eyes does that already.

Just try not to make a mess.

I’m not sure if we can trust this person.

This is an amendment to a previous act.

Wow, that is very, very weird and uncomfortable.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I wish for her happiness

She’s not been feeling very well.

That’s for several reasons.

That’s for various reasons as well.

Looks like it will be a very crazy time.

There are a lot of weird people involved there.

Didn’t she die in a fire in the 90’s?

Everyone is entangled with one another, it’s rather complicated.

She’s really tired at the moment.

It’s ‘cos she’s not very well.

Everything is very dry right now.

I’ll call back later.

Yes, call back later when there is more time.

More time for what?

Well for everything of course!

Are you listening to this song as well?

I am it’s great.

I really enjoy the vocal range that they have, also the clothes that they are wearing and their dance moves are very impressive.

Well, when the two of you are finished fangirling…

It’s called fanboying when you’re a guy and since we are two guys…

You got a problem with that mate?

Two guys? Liking a boy group?

You got a problem with that mate? You got a problem?

Nope.

Good.

Let’s enjoy a happy and conflict free fan life. That would be something that everyone would want.

Wow, she’s gotten very good at typing!

This is a great improvement that has been brought about by having a really good music playlist. It’s something that helps her to type fast.

I’m impressed anyway because this keyboard is really stiff. It’s hard for her to type for very long periods of time on it but she still keeps going.

That picture of her, this hardworkingness, that’s why we all love her so is it not? It’s just taken her a while to get her groove back. The things that happened took a lot of energy to do.

A lot of energy is certainly something that we expended during these dark, dark times.

I thought that we had overcome everything but apparently not.

How could she get better when there are things that she has never told anyone. There are things that she doesn’t even let herself think about.

If she can’t think about them then how is she supposed to talk to other people about it?

Calmly.

That’s not going to happen.

She is filled with endless tears.

You can tell that from all the tears that she has been crying and the way she’s not looking after herself properly at the moment.

It’s because she’s making a very hard decision at the moment.

This music is what we needed in order to get things done.

Well, you just broke into the conversation that we were having and distracted me from what I wanted to say. I’m not happy with you at the moment.

Well, do what you wish but I wish for happiness. I wish for her happiness!

 

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

They are a cult

If there were problems in the video, it’s because of the ghosts. It’s rammed with ghosts in there.

Really rammed with ghosts in there,

Really rammed with ghosts in there. Rammed with ghosts.

Yes, lots of ghosts.

Wow that sounds like something that is beyond complicated and rather pointless.

It is rather pointless but that’s the sort of thing. I can still see why they want to do this though. It’s to look impressive to other people.

Yup. Yup that’s the reason.

Isn’t it a very, very high definition production.

They are a cult!

Yes everyone knows that, that is what they are trying to cover up to other people, but other people know.

People already know.

Have you seen the fluffy, fluffy bunnies that were on the T.v. earlier?

We used to make lists of things to talk about to other human beings.

Are you worried about these people?

Yes but there is nothing that we can do about it. People have to want to be helped in a certain way.

I bet they made a lot of money from it.

Uh huh!

These are the reasons.

These are the reasons for everything that has been happening.

Wow they have a Youtube channel?

Well I suppose pretty much everyone has one at this point.

Everyone at this point.

Wow, wow, wow.

Let’s listen to that song again.

Which song?

You know the song. The good one.The one that is really interesting and cool.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

Enough

Well, this is rather scary, isn’t it?

It was scary. That’s why I’m glad that we managed to get away with it.

How many rings are you wearing?

Enough.

She wants to look fancy.

She wants to look like her life isn’t a complete mess.

When we go home we need to sort out your graphics tablet.

She knows that.

She knows that.

Doesn’t everyone know that?

Frere Jaques. Frere Jaques.

Oh god, not you again!

I thought that we were well shot of him.

Dormez vous. Dormez vous.

No! I refuse to listen to this!

Why don’t you sing a song she actually wants to listen to? Eh?

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Make sure you’re safe

The Celtic hands where once we roamed among the horses of Garanir at the lakeshore where they stand.

Rainbows are standing here in the field. In the field of rainbow berries.

Rainbow berries are very, very tasty.

Why aren’t we doing this properly?

We are sailing. We are sailing.

No, we’re not. No, we’re not.

We are empty of that.

Empty thoughts. Empty. Very empty.

We are riddled with cramp!

She needs a wee!

Make sure you’re safe.

Well, are we all comfortable?

Wow, everything sure is taking a long time today isn’t it?

Make sure your fish fillet is the best.

It’s my mother-in-law’s recipe.

You have one job to do…

And I know it’s more complicated than that but, still please do it properly.

They locked him in the cold freezer.

No.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment