Ay up lass. ‘ow do?

Why does her nose hurt this much?

Because she’s been blowing her nose too much. That’s why it’s painful.

Maybe she should do it less.

Well, if you need to blow your nose, then you need to blow your nose.

It is very, very hot and sweaty today. Very hot and sweaty.

We need to make some lists of things that we need to do over the next few days.

I think that, that definitely is something that we need to do.

Her shoulder is very painful right now. We certainly have a lot of pain to deal with.

A lot of pain is going on.

We should help her to deal with it you know.

Ay up lass. ‘Ow do?

Wow, that’s an accent and a half.

It certainly is.

I like it.

We all do.

So that blanket was finally made, it only took like 2 years to get it done.

Is this allergic reaction setting you off right now?

This is an odd angle to write at.

Maybe you should get another pen out.

Yes, get a different pen out.

This is public land. You can’t stop us from walking here.

That’s right! They can do that, there are laws in place to ensure it.

Hold hands and make sure to become friends again. Being friends is really important. It will be important in the coming years that you are close.

It will be very important.

Don’t feel compelled to write this. Do it because you want to.

I think she’s just tired and sort of beyond herself at the moment.

This one is much better than the previous one!

I congratulate you on your choice of pen.

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I remember those days

Do you think that she feels better now than she did before?

No, it’s just another form of anxiety now. Also, the fear of things not quite being as they seem too.

But tomorrow is a day where we can get to the bottom of the well that we talked about all of those years ago.

All of those years ago? It was only a few months ago that we were talking about it in my opinion.

I remember those days.

You remember all of those things.

This lady is really good at stealing other people’s boyfriends.

Well, it’s certainly a skill that she has down to a fine art. Especially these days.

Especially these days?

Yes.

Yes, this is something that we would like to inform you about. It is something that we have been thinking about taking to the market for quite some time.

For quite some time the bells rang. They rang loud and clear.

Loud and clear across the bay from the waters edge up until the temple upon the height of Dinas Aferon.

Is Dinas Aferon even anywhere near the sea?

I don’t know I never took geography and when you think about it, her head has forgotten a lot of that stuff.

A lot of stuff for certain, she’s filled it with thoughts and facts about other things.

Are there a lot of butterflies in there?

I didn’t think that there would be, but on closer inspection, here were a lot more than I had planned for.

That’s right, close the window.

Then we wont be able to hear the noises that are going on.

Drink the drink it will make up for all the not drinking that you have been doing and sort out your salt problem aws well.

We need to deal with a lot of  things in the coming months and we really need to make a schedule in which to do things.

Isnt the fan making her feel hotter? I feel like it would be something that would make me feel hotter!

This is a sad story.

All stories are sad.

Some aren’t!

They are just stories that haven’t reached the ending yet.

The ending hasn’t arrived

It will be hot though now that the window is closed,.

Let’s just put up with It shalle we?

Is it too late to go in the shower?

Yes it is way too late. Way too late for these things.

Way way too late.

Do you remember what happened to her? Because I don’t.

I woud want to find her too.

This must be frustrating.

You need to think about other things. You need to think about other things.

You need to throw those thingd away.

Throw them away.

Well, these boys are great at their job aren’t they.

I would hope that they were better at doing their job than this.

I would hope that they are better at doing their job.

What jopb do you thibk that they  would be better suited too do you think?

Well we know that she is alright. Because we saw the other episode by accident didn’t we.

Typing is starting to hurt her hands. So I think that we should tell her to stop.

Tell her to stop.

I think that is what is important right now.

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These are some deep thoughts

This is getting complicated, isn’t it?
What do you want her to do about all of this?
I would have thought that you would know, what with you being a business person and all.
Why?
You are the one that knows the most about everything.
She really should go to the bathroom but she won’t.
These are some deep thoughts.
Some deep thoughts can be had here. Here in the night.
What night are we talking about right now?
Now? We are here in the moments that we are among the night frights.
She is feeling really tired at the moment.
She is feeling tired because it is nice.
You mean because it is night?
Yes of course it is.
I wanted to talk to her about why she isn’t sleeping at the moment.
I think that we all know why she isn’t sleeping. It’s because she is worried about this whole thing that is going on next week.
Next week seems like it will be very scary.
Of course, it is going to be very scary. Very scary indeed.
She should have revised more.
Yes, but she is currently terrified about all of this and she doesn’t have her chewy, chewy thing.
She does.
But it is not clean.
You can’t chewy chew the chewy thing if it is really dirty.
Her back is really painful.
Her back is very painful from sitting down for too long.
Her toes hurt.
Listening to this is very anxiety provoking. Here are the thoughts that are going on.
Going on the walk that we have planned in our mind is something that I think would benefit everyone.
We need to make a schedule. I know that that is scary but I think that it is something that you are going to need to carry out. It might help you to sort everything out in your head.
We need to read more books.
We need to revise and read and stuff.

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Just remind her to brush her teeth!

I wish that she would go to sleep now.

I do too, but her sleep schedule is completely messed up.

That and she’s super on high alert because of her growing maths terror.

Well there is nothing much that we can do about all of that at this point now is there?

Knowing her she’ll be panic revising for it the night before.

There is still nothing to say that we will have to do the test after all. I mean we do have the qualifications already.

I don’t know what she is going to do but let’s stand by her and everything.

It is really, really dusty in here.

From the clothes that she tried on earlier tonight.

There were some very, very dusty old clothes in there.

I’m glad that she did something that she really didn’t need to do rather than something that would actually be helpful.

It was something important, just not right at this very moment important, it will be important after this event is over.

Everything is waiting until after the event and I don’t know how to feel about it, do you?

Just remind her to brush her teeth!

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Bad memories

I think that she will have a nosebleed soon.

Her nose is really hurting her. So that is probably something that is going to happen to later.

This song is creepy. I don’t want to listen to it anymore.

I think that they have a problem with being likeable, personally.

But do they have to be likable?

How can someone out American… America?

Something bad happened today?

Everything pulls us back to ‘The Garfield Monstrosity’.

It does unfortunately and it shows us how weird the world really is.

The world really is a scary place but we are going to have to go out there and do stuff in it.

We are but they don’t have to be so weird.

If you think about the things she is the weirdest.

Let’s just help her get through to the 4th of July.

I keep distracting her from everything y talking about flans.

How are we doing this? I thought that we were going to help her with the maths and shit?

The maths and shit is making her panic. I would rather not see this happening.

That was our plan but all that’s happening is that it’s making her panic more than normal in this situation. She never worked out how to revise.

But she did really well!

That’s the problem, she never learned from it.

Let’s be nice and try to avoid talking about maths and the like.

But she really needs us to push her in this.

But she’s already pushing herself too hard. Any more and she will certainly crack. Things are really bad enough as it is.

Goldfish.

Bad memories.

Let’s chew something. Chew something.

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But it’s not clean

This is getting complicated, isn’t it?

What do you want her to do about all of this?

I would have thought that you would know, what with you being a business person and all.

Why?

You are the one that knows the most about everything.

She really should go to the bathroom but she won’t.

These are some deep thoughts.

Some deep thoughts can be had here. Here in the night.

What night are we talking about right now?

Now? We are here in the moments that we are among the night frights.

She is feeling really tired at the moment.

She is feeling tired because it is nice.

You mean because it is night?

Yes of course it is.

I wanted to talk to her about why she isn’t sleeping at the moment.

I think that we all know why she isn’t sleeping. It’s because she is worried about this whole thing that is going on next week.

Next week seems like it will be very scary.

Of course, it is going to be very scary. Very scary indeed.

She should have revised more.

Yes, but she is currently terrified about all of this and she doesn’t have her chewy, chewy thing.

She does.

But it is not clean.

You can’t chewy chew the chewy thing if it is really dirty.

Her back is really painful.

Her back is very painful from sitting down for too long.

Her toes hurt.

Listening to this is very anxiety provoking. Here are the thoughts that are going on.

Going on the walk that we have planned in our mind is something that I think would benefit everyone.

We need to make a schedule. I know that that is scary but I think that it is something that you are going to need to carry out. It might help you to sort everything out in your head.

We need to read more books.

We need to revise and read and stuff.

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A diversion

So, usually, I post excerpts of my voice hearing here for everyone to come and have a look at. Something that I often struggle to update in a timely manner but I hope that it serves as an insight for people, into what it’s like to hear voices.  This post though is going to be a little different from that. Get ready to get deep into my mind at the moment.

I’m writing this, whilst putting off doing maths revision….that I need to do for an interview for a college interview. Not only is it an interview there’s also a maths test I have to take and that’s scary. So I am doing literally anything else at the moment to not think about all of this.

I feel inside of my body in a way that I never have been able to feel since 2004. I was eleven in 2004. Since then I have been coping with life by stepping out of my body. I’ve been floating around next to my body, this new beginning seems to be helping me feel connected.

My period came back in March, something I haven’t seen in two and half years because of my stress levels. I feel a lot of mixed feelings about this. It’s nice to know that my body is still capable of this bodily function but sanitary products cost money. Money that at the moment I don’t really…well i’m not working.

2017 feels like a year in which I am finally beginning to flower. Well more like I am growing some new leaves and there is maybe a hint of a bud forming. Following Bangtan (BTS) really feels like it was a good idea at the moment. I mean it always does but at this moment in particular, it does.

My life pretty much was put on pause in the summer of 2012 when I was thrown off of the mental health nursing course I was on because of my mental health problems. Something that continues to be…anyway lately I feel like things have been put back in motion once again. Actually doing something with myself has been very hard. I have a lot of anxiety.

Now though I know why I feel the way I do about a variety of things, like talking on the phone, having a haircut and socks. Why I get anxious about things changing, having to go to new places and being late. I think knowing what you are dealing with is half of the problem, giving a name to your feelings is a great help. Not that everyone needs a diagnosis, but for me it was important.

If I’m not making all that much sense at the moment, I’d like to take this opportunity to apologize. I’m writing this with a really high fever in the middle of the night and having leg cramps.

Anyway, what I wanted to say is that I feel like a human female again. A human female.

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Something I’ve wanted to say,

But didn’t know how. ( Trigger warning – sexual harassment? / assault? )

I have wanted to talk to someone. I wanted to talk but there was no-one that I felt I could talk to about this… thing that happened. It was a thing that is hard for me to explain.

Maybe that’s down to not feeling like it’s important enough to talk about, what with other people out there experiencing very, very bad things. Maybe it’s also down to feeling that I was very, very stupid at the time. Although that’s probably me being way too harsh on myself. I was young.

I was young even to me, now that seems like it’s somewhat of an excuse for behaving weirdly whilst it was happening. So, I am not explaining this whole thing very well, mainly because writing this all down is making me extremely anxious. I try not to think about it all that much and as I said before I’ve never talked about it.

 

I was 19 and struggling at university. Really struggling with being psychotic, depressed, having Aspergers but no diagnosis and on a very demanding nursing course, lonely and riddled with self-loathing. It wasn’t a good time.

I was on my university campus calming myself down after a meeting with my tutor that had upset me a lot. At the time I was being pushed out of the course that I was on because of my mental health.

I had been sitting on a bench for a while, then I noticed a guy looking at me. A guy that at the time seemed a similar age to me. I was curious (I’d been bullied badly by guys up to this point) and so eventually screwed up the courage to go talk to him.

We talked rather awkwardly for a while and I started feeling a feeling that I had never experienced before. I talked about my Dad’s job, he said he was studying engineering. That was probably a lie…

I realize now that I was doing all the talking and he was sifting through it and picking out stuff to manipulate the conversation.

We talked and sat on the lawn near the art building… then suddenly he was kissing me. It was my first kiss. All I could think was…I’m not ready for this…this is disgusting. There was a lot of tongue involved on his part.

It was my first kiss. All I could think was…I’m not ready for this…this is disgusting. There was a lot of tongue involved on his part.

From this moment onward I found myself not able to move.

All I could think was…I’m not ready for this…this is disgusting. There was a lot of tongue involved on his part.

I couldn’t move and just sat there like a statue whilst he slobbered all over me like a dog. Like a huge snail sliming all over my mouth. Then his hand started creeping up my leg and under the skirt of my dress.

Then his hand started creeping up my leg and under the skirt of my dress. A dress that I had borrowed from my sister in order to look like I had my life in control, for my meeting.

I was desperately hoping that someone would notice that something was happening and save me. We were on the lawn. A place often covered with students, on this warm day though no-one was very close. Instead of people coming to my rescue, I’m inching away from him, trying not to gag because he tastes of beer and bad, bad dental hygiene.

All the hairs on my arms are standing up and my brain is screaming at me to slap him or scream. My mouth will not open.

Every inch I move he follows me and the grip on my thigh turns to petting and it’s getting higher and higher, closer to my knickers.

I don’t know what came over me then… but I faked a phone call from my dad and somehow got out of there. Politely because I’m British and had no idea how to do anything other than that. Then I went to the nearest shop and bought mouthwash and soap and spent a good ten minutes trying to be clean again. I headed straight for the bus station and then had a massive panic attack in the street. It only hit me then what had happened.

Ending the situation with a promise of meeting again on a Tuesday night, whilst my heart was hammering away in my chest. Then I went to the nearest shop and bought mouthwash and soap on autopilot and spent a good ten minutes trying to be clean again. I headed straight for the bus station and then had a massive panic attack in the street. It only hit me then what had happened.

I headed straight for the bus station and then had a massive panic attack in the street. It only hit me then what had happened and what might have happened.

 

How do I feel about it? Like I was very…stupid and naive. That I should have noticed how creepy he was earlier. Or that maybe I would have if I wasn’t hallucinating really badly at the time and if I didn’t have Aspergers.

That guy helped me feel better about being thrown off of my course 2-3 weeks later. I was so glad I probably would never see him again.

What would have happened, if it had ended worse than it did? What if he hadn’t believed me? What if he had followed me home? I sometimes sit and imagine scenarios of what could have happened like this…I still want to scrub my face and mouth clean.

 

So that was the thing that I needed to say. I’m not sure what to call this situation. This event that happened to me. I might have been a little overly cautious with the trigger warnings at the beginning but I wanted people to be safe.

Thank you for listening to this. Although putting it out there makes me feel very anxious I also feel very free from the silence I’ve kept about this since 2012.

You deserve love and you deserve it from someone who loves you.

 

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Are we melting?

We are so tired right now.

I know that the temperature that we are dealing with right now is the reason for all of this.

It saps your energy.

Well, she needs to take off the shirt that she is wearing.

That is one of the reasons for all of this things.

Are we melting, or is this all me. Is this all me or is it you, I would like to know but I can’t remember.

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Blossom

Blossom.

Blossom is very beautiful,

Blossom is beautiful indeed.

I would like to sleep.

I would like for her to sleep.

Sleep is important, but so is the work that she is trying to do.

This is work?

Is it work?

I think it is something that she finds to be very theraputic.

Hmm. That is a good point.

This keyboard is very noisy.

It is, I don’t like it.

I don’t like it either.

I think that she should go back to the thing but she is too scared to go back to the thing.

She hates talking on the phone.

She has always hated talking on the phone.

Going for a walk would be a great idea.

We need to get out of the house.

Let’s go on a walk on Monday, let’s try to get out of the house in the morning when it isn’t that hot and we won’t get sunburnt.

Is it as crammed full of poems as her brain is? Is it as crammed full of thoughts? I am filled to the brim as so is he.

Filled with poems is a thing that floats me upon the sea. The sea we are flowing through. We are floating here on the deep waters surrounded by the glowing of jellyfish,

Jellyfish are creepy and beautiful .She wants to see more of them. More jellyfish please!

I think the choking feeling is back again. We will have to help her through it once more.

Once more the help will come.

The help will come.

It will come.

Come.

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