So… this isn’t one of my usual posts but I feel like I have to talk to you.
I started this blog with the feeling of needing to share my experiences of hearing voices with the rest of the world. Having a mental illness especially one that carries as many stigmas with it as psychosis can be very isolating.
I have experienced a lot of things in the time I’ve been hallucinating (audial and visual) many of them have been bad. Like getting thrown off of the University course I was literally giving my all for.
I’ve done bad things, such as lying to my parents for 2-3 years about still being on that course. I was just so scared of what their response would be. My parents at the time had no idea about my voice hearing and I didn’t think that they would take it very well.
I first got treatment for my voice hearing in 2010 for a few months with a terrible children’s psychiatrist, who treat me like I was stupid and making the whole thing up. Needless to say, I didn’t feel comfortable there and lied my way into being discharged.
“It’s just your personality.” Was something that she said to me as she was discharging me.
It didn’t turn out to be just my personality.
I went back into therapy for three years, where I met a lady that I met regularly. She became someone that I could trust, someone that I felt comfortable talking to. I opened up to her about some pretty deep, hard to talk about stuff.
Like self-harming…something that at that time I’d only just stopped actively doing.
Then the time came to move to another team. (It was past the time of early intervention)A team where the person that I saw changed three or four times within a year and a half. I never really was able to find the same…feeling of being able to talk.
I was discharged fully from that service in August last year. To me, it was rather sudden and at the time very distressing.
You see I don’t really have anyone in my life to talk to about things so going there and having someone…to talk to…who listens…
I’ve been moving forward since then with the goal of ending my dreamless wanderings and getting back into education. That is stressing me out very thoroughly and making everything else flair up. Chronic pain, anxiety etc.
It’s been five years since I was last in formal education and I feel like I’m not going to be up to the task.
So, I’m sitting here pondering whether or not to reach out and ask to go back to therapy to sort my anxiety out. (Mostly because I’m back to having at least five panic attacks a week and I don’t think that’s normal.) Whether I’ll be able to actually talk to whoever I get assigned.
I might have to go back to drawing pictures and writing notes.
But I’ve done that before and they got the point I was trying to make across.
Thank you for reading this. I feel a little embarrassed by it all. I just wanted to let people know, kind of where I was right at the moment.
Ummm…I hope that it made sense. My thoughts aren’t the clearest at the moment.
P.s. This has all been spurred on by me trying to lose some weight.
I comfort eat and in a way, I suppose that means I never really ended self-harming. Especially when it helps you to get to nearly 22stone.