Something I’ve wanted to say,

But didn’t know how. ( Trigger warning – sexual harassment? / assault? )

I have wanted to talk to someone. I wanted to talk but there was no-one that I felt I could talk to about this… thing that happened. It was a thing that is hard for me to explain.

Maybe that’s down to not feeling like it’s important enough to talk about, what with other people out there experiencing very, very bad things. Maybe it’s also down to feeling that I was very, very stupid at the time. Although that’s probably me being way too harsh on myself. I was young.

I was young even to me, now that seems like it’s somewhat of an excuse for behaving weirdly whilst it was happening. So, I am not explaining this whole thing very well, mainly because writing this all down is making me extremely anxious. I try not to think about it all that much and as I said before I’ve never talked about it.

 

I was 19 and struggling at university. Really struggling with being psychotic, depressed, having Aspergers but no diagnosis and on a very demanding nursing course, lonely and riddled with self-loathing. It wasn’t a good time.

I was on my university campus calming myself down after a meeting with my tutor that had upset me a lot. At the time I was being pushed out of the course that I was on because of my mental health.

I had been sitting on a bench for a while, then I noticed a guy looking at me. A guy that at the time seemed a similar age to me. I was curious (I’d been bullied badly by guys up to this point) and so eventually screwed up the courage to go talk to him.

We talked rather awkwardly for a while and I started feeling a feeling that I had never experienced before. I talked about my Dad’s job, he said he was studying engineering. That was probably a lie…

I realize now that I was doing all the talking and he was sifting through it and picking out stuff to manipulate the conversation.

We talked and sat on the lawn near the art building… then suddenly he was kissing me. It was my first kiss. All I could think was…I’m not ready for this…this is disgusting. There was a lot of tongue involved on his part.

It was my first kiss. All I could think was…I’m not ready for this…this is disgusting. There was a lot of tongue involved on his part.

From this moment onward I found myself not able to move.

All I could think was…I’m not ready for this…this is disgusting. There was a lot of tongue involved on his part.

I couldn’t move and just sat there like a statue whilst he slobbered all over me like a dog. Like a huge snail sliming all over my mouth. Then his hand started creeping up my leg and under the skirt of my dress.

Then his hand started creeping up my leg and under the skirt of my dress. A dress that I had borrowed from my sister in order to look like I had my life in control, for my meeting.

I was desperately hoping that someone would notice that something was happening and save me. We were on the lawn. A place often covered with students, on this warm day though no-one was very close. Instead of people coming to my rescue, I’m inching away from him, trying not to gag because he tastes of beer and bad, bad dental hygiene.

All the hairs on my arms are standing up and my brain is screaming at me to slap him or scream. My mouth will not open.

Every inch I move he follows me and the grip on my thigh turns to petting and it’s getting higher and higher, closer to my knickers.

I don’t know what came over me then… but I faked a phone call from my dad and somehow got out of there. Politely because I’m British and had no idea how to do anything other than that. Then I went to the nearest shop and bought mouthwash and soap and spent a good ten minutes trying to be clean again. I headed straight for the bus station and then had a massive panic attack in the street. It only hit me then what had happened.

Ending the situation with a promise of meeting again on a Tuesday night, whilst my heart was hammering away in my chest. Then I went to the nearest shop and bought mouthwash and soap on autopilot and spent a good ten minutes trying to be clean again. I headed straight for the bus station and then had a massive panic attack in the street. It only hit me then what had happened.

I headed straight for the bus station and then had a massive panic attack in the street. It only hit me then what had happened and what might have happened.

 

How do I feel about it? Like I was very…stupid and naive. That I should have noticed how creepy he was earlier. Or that maybe I would have if I wasn’t hallucinating really badly at the time and if I didn’t have Aspergers.

That guy helped me feel better about being thrown off of my course 2-3 weeks later. I was so glad I probably would never see him again.

What would have happened, if it had ended worse than it did? What if he hadn’t believed me? What if he had followed me home? I sometimes sit and imagine scenarios of what could have happened like this…I still want to scrub my face and mouth clean.

 

So that was the thing that I needed to say. I’m not sure what to call this situation. This event that happened to me. I might have been a little overly cautious with the trigger warnings at the beginning but I wanted people to be safe.

Thank you for listening to this. Although putting it out there makes me feel very anxious I also feel very free from the silence I’ve kept about this since 2012.

You deserve love and you deserve it from someone who loves you.

 

Advertisements

About voicehearingnotes

I hear voices and I write about that.
This entry was posted in Information, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s