So, usually, I post excerpts of my voice hearing here for everyone to come and have a look at. Something that I often struggle to update in a timely manner but I hope that it serves as an insight for people, into what it’s like to hear voices. This post though is going to be a little different from that. Get ready to get deep into my mind at the moment.
I’m writing this, whilst putting off doing maths revision….that I need to do for an interview for a college interview. Not only is it an interview there’s also a maths test I have to take and that’s scary. So I am doing literally anything else at the moment to not think about all of this.
I feel inside of my body in a way that I never have been able to feel since 2004. I was eleven in 2004. Since then I have been coping with life by stepping out of my body. I’ve been floating around next to my body, this new beginning seems to be helping me feel connected.
My period came back in March, something I haven’t seen in two and half years because of my stress levels. I feel a lot of mixed feelings about this. It’s nice to know that my body is still capable of this bodily function but sanitary products cost money. Money that at the moment I don’t really…well i’m not working.
2017 feels like a year in which I am finally beginning to flower. Well more like I am growing some new leaves and there is maybe a hint of a bud forming. Following Bangtan (BTS) really feels like it was a good idea at the moment. I mean it always does but at this moment in particular, it does.
My life pretty much was put on pause in the summer of 2012 when I was thrown off of the mental health nursing course I was on because of my mental health problems. Something that continues to be…anyway lately I feel like things have been put back in motion once again. Actually doing something with myself has been very hard. I have a lot of anxiety.
Now though I know why I feel the way I do about a variety of things, like talking on the phone, having a haircut and socks. Why I get anxious about things changing, having to go to new places and being late. I think knowing what you are dealing with is half of the problem, giving a name to your feelings is a great help. Not that everyone needs a diagnosis, but for me it was important.
If I’m not making all that much sense at the moment, I’d like to take this opportunity to apologize. I’m writing this with a really high fever in the middle of the night and having leg cramps.
Anyway, what I wanted to say is that I feel like a human female again. A human female.