A letter to my mother

A letter to my mother

That she will never read

There are many things that i am grateful for…but i wish that you would listen to me.

You’ve put up with me for longer than other parents would have, without asking too many questions but over time it’s begun to feel like disinterest.

Why didn’t you ask me what was wrong?

Why did it take so long?

Sure, I’m an adult and should be able to to all of these things on my own, but i can’t. I have severe social anxiety… I can’t talk on the phone. I’ve literally just come from an appointment with my mental health nurse where she rang people for me because I find it too scary.

That’s how I sorted my student finance problems out. She rang them for me.

So I guess I should come clean and say she fixed the situation for me.

Hello, I’m 25 and I can’t ring people. I can’t talk on the phone! Wow I’m so independent. Talking on the phone makes me feel like I’m dying. It’s great! I’m glad that society relies on this technology to do important things like make appointments with a dentist.

I’m sure that this will have no bearing on my job prospects later on in life.

Not at all.

I’m barely a young adult anymore, so I can’t even get away with being young and shy.

This is one of the ways in which my autism sucks…I’m much better at face to face interactions.

“Hey there! Yes you! Can we have this conversation entirely in text format?”

Growing up, you said that we could talk to you about anything…but I can’t. I cant judge how you will respond to anything and it’s really unnerving.

Everything that is a big deal to me, is something that you are apathetic to resulting in limp responses.

“Oh about your toe…maybe I should have taken you to the doctors.”

7 weeks after I broke the toe.

Everything that is a minor problem you explode out of proportion. Just like today.

You either talk to me like i am a baby or a massive financial burden on you. If it’s the latter, accept my money! If it’s the former, accept that i need more support than the middle child but i’m not incapable. I just struggle with some things.

This is the day that my ‘filling fell out‘ and you made me feel like shit because it cost you money. Money that I know you won’t let me give you. How is it my fault that the middle child gave me the wrong phone number?

This is why I don’t ring anywhere. If you’d have rang, you would have gotten the right dentists. Maybe you should have taken me to the dentists at some point between 2012 and now and I wouldn’t need to get something done to my mouth. Because despite everything I was too crazy in the time between those dates to do it on my own and you’re my guardian.

Actually my filling fell out in 2013. After I was thrown out of uni because of my psychosis which then made me depressed.

I used to ‘take the bus to uni‘, which really meant wandering around various local libraries and eating as many biscuits as I could get into my face. In the library in the local seaside town I’d write down every single crazy thought that came into my mind in a book and in a diary.

That’s why my teeth are bad.

Being suicidal doesn’t put dental hygiene at the top of your list of things to do. Especially when you haven’t washed for days on end.

I’m Raven, your oldest daughter. I’m 25. I’m Autistic, psychotic, asthmatic, riddled with chronic pain caused by Hypermobility syndrome and recently my periods have gone haywire.

I need more time to respond to things.

Love,

Raven

P.s. This letter my have made me sound like an entitled prick to you and that’s fine…most people probably see me that way. 25 still living with my parents, no job and rent free but it’s not easy despite knowing that it’s easier than it is for millions of other people.

 

 

 

A/n: Don’t think of my mother too harshly…to be honest i’m 60% sure that she’s also on the autism spectrum with me. 

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About voicehearingnotes

I hear voices and I write about that.
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