Just remind her to brush her teeth!

I wish that she would go to sleep now.

I do too, but her sleep schedule is completely messed up.

That and she’s super on high alert because of her growing maths terror.

Well there is nothing much that we can do about all of that at this point now is there?

Knowing her she’ll be panic revising for it the night before.

There is still nothing to say that we will have to do the test after all. I mean we do have the qualifications already.

I don’t know what she is going to do but let’s stand by her and everything.

It is really, really dusty in here.

From the clothes that she tried on earlier tonight.

There were some very, very dusty old clothes in there.

I’m glad that she did something that she really didn’t need to do rather than something that would actually be helpful.

It was something important, just not right at this very moment important, it will be important after this event is over.

Everything is waiting until after the event and I don’t know how to feel about it, do you?

Just remind her to brush her teeth!

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Bad memories

I think that she will have a nosebleed soon.

Her nose is really hurting her. So that is probably something that is going to happen to later.

This song is creepy. I don’t want to listen to it anymore.

I think that they have a problem with being likeable, personally.

But do they have to be likable?

How can someone out American… America?

Something bad happened today?

Everything pulls us back to ‘The Garfield Monstrosity’.

It does unfortunately and it shows us how weird the world really is.

The world really is a scary place but we are going to have to go out there and do stuff in it.

We are but they don’t have to be so weird.

If you think about the things she is the weirdest.

Let’s just help her get through to the 4th of July.

I keep distracting her from everything y talking about flans.

How are we doing this? I thought that we were going to help her with the maths and shit?

The maths and shit is making her panic. I would rather not see this happening.

That was our plan but all that’s happening is that it’s making her panic more than normal in this situation. She never worked out how to revise.

But she did really well!

That’s the problem, she never learned from it.

Let’s be nice and try to avoid talking about maths and the like.

But she really needs us to push her in this.

But she’s already pushing herself too hard. Any more and she will certainly crack. Things are really bad enough as it is.

Goldfish.

Bad memories.

Let’s chew something. Chew something.

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But it’s not clean

This is getting complicated, isn’t it?

What do you want her to do about all of this?

I would have thought that you would know, what with you being a business person and all.

Why?

You are the one that knows the most about everything.

She really should go to the bathroom but she won’t.

These are some deep thoughts.

Some deep thoughts can be had here. Here in the night.

What night are we talking about right now?

Now? We are here in the moments that we are among the night frights.

She is feeling really tired at the moment.

She is feeling tired because it is nice.

You mean because it is night?

Yes of course it is.

I wanted to talk to her about why she isn’t sleeping at the moment.

I think that we all know why she isn’t sleeping. It’s because she is worried about this whole thing that is going on next week.

Next week seems like it will be very scary.

Of course, it is going to be very scary. Very scary indeed.

She should have revised more.

Yes, but she is currently terrified about all of this and she doesn’t have her chewy, chewy thing.

She does.

But it is not clean.

You can’t chewy chew the chewy thing if it is really dirty.

Her back is really painful.

Her back is very painful from sitting down for too long.

Her toes hurt.

Listening to this is very anxiety provoking. Here are the thoughts that are going on.

Going on the walk that we have planned in our mind is something that I think would benefit everyone.

We need to make a schedule. I know that that is scary but I think that it is something that you are going to need to carry out. It might help you to sort everything out in your head.

We need to read more books.

We need to revise and read and stuff.

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A diversion

So, usually, I post excerpts of my voice hearing here for everyone to come and have a look at. Something that I often struggle to update in a timely manner but I hope that it serves as an insight for people, into what it’s like to hear voices.  This post though is going to be a little different from that. Get ready to get deep into my mind at the moment.

I’m writing this, whilst putting off doing maths revision….that I need to do for an interview for a college interview. Not only is it an interview there’s also a maths test I have to take and that’s scary. So I am doing literally anything else at the moment to not think about all of this.

I feel inside of my body in a way that I never have been able to feel since 2004. I was eleven in 2004. Since then I have been coping with life by stepping out of my body. I’ve been floating around next to my body, this new beginning seems to be helping me feel connected.

My period came back in March, something I haven’t seen in two and half years because of my stress levels. I feel a lot of mixed feelings about this. It’s nice to know that my body is still capable of this bodily function but sanitary products cost money. Money that at the moment I don’t really…well i’m not working.

2017 feels like a year in which I am finally beginning to flower. Well more like I am growing some new leaves and there is maybe a hint of a bud forming. Following Bangtan (BTS) really feels like it was a good idea at the moment. I mean it always does but at this moment in particular, it does.

My life pretty much was put on pause in the summer of 2012 when I was thrown off of the mental health nursing course I was on because of my mental health problems. Something that continues to be…anyway lately I feel like things have been put back in motion once again. Actually doing something with myself has been very hard. I have a lot of anxiety.

Now though I know why I feel the way I do about a variety of things, like talking on the phone, having a haircut and socks. Why I get anxious about things changing, having to go to new places and being late. I think knowing what you are dealing with is half of the problem, giving a name to your feelings is a great help. Not that everyone needs a diagnosis, but for me it was important.

If I’m not making all that much sense at the moment, I’d like to take this opportunity to apologize. I’m writing this with a really high fever in the middle of the night and having leg cramps.

Anyway, what I wanted to say is that I feel like a human female again. A human female.

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Something I’ve wanted to say,

But didn’t know how. ( Trigger warning – sexual harassment? / assault? )

I have wanted to talk to someone. I wanted to talk but there was no-one that I felt I could talk to about this… thing that happened. It was a thing that is hard for me to explain.

Maybe that’s down to not feeling like it’s important enough to talk about, what with other people out there experiencing very, very bad things. Maybe it’s also down to feeling that I was very, very stupid at the time. Although that’s probably me being way too harsh on myself. I was young.

I was young even to me, now that seems like it’s somewhat of an excuse for behaving weirdly whilst it was happening. So, I am not explaining this whole thing very well, mainly because writing this all down is making me extremely anxious. I try not to think about it all that much and as I said before I’ve never talked about it.

 

I was 19 and struggling at university. Really struggling with being psychotic, depressed, having Aspergers but no diagnosis and on a very demanding nursing course, lonely and riddled with self-loathing. It wasn’t a good time.

I was on my university campus calming myself down after a meeting with my tutor that had upset me a lot. At the time I was being pushed out of the course that I was on because of my mental health.

I had been sitting on a bench for a while, then I noticed a guy looking at me. A guy that at the time seemed a similar age to me. I was curious (I’d been bullied badly by guys up to this point) and so eventually screwed up the courage to go talk to him.

We talked rather awkwardly for a while and I started feeling a feeling that I had never experienced before. I talked about my Dad’s job, he said he was studying engineering. That was probably a lie…

I realize now that I was doing all the talking and he was sifting through it and picking out stuff to manipulate the conversation.

We talked and sat on the lawn near the art building… then suddenly he was kissing me. It was my first kiss. All I could think was…I’m not ready for this…this is disgusting. There was a lot of tongue involved on his part.

It was my first kiss. All I could think was…I’m not ready for this…this is disgusting. There was a lot of tongue involved on his part.

From this moment onward I found myself not able to move.

All I could think was…I’m not ready for this…this is disgusting. There was a lot of tongue involved on his part.

I couldn’t move and just sat there like a statue whilst he slobbered all over me like a dog. Like a huge snail sliming all over my mouth. Then his hand started creeping up my leg and under the skirt of my dress.

Then his hand started creeping up my leg and under the skirt of my dress. A dress that I had borrowed from my sister in order to look like I had my life in control, for my meeting.

I was desperately hoping that someone would notice that something was happening and save me. We were on the lawn. A place often covered with students, on this warm day though no-one was very close. Instead of people coming to my rescue, I’m inching away from him, trying not to gag because he tastes of beer and bad, bad dental hygiene.

All the hairs on my arms are standing up and my brain is screaming at me to slap him or scream. My mouth will not open.

Every inch I move he follows me and the grip on my thigh turns to petting and it’s getting higher and higher, closer to my knickers.

I don’t know what came over me then… but I faked a phone call from my dad and somehow got out of there. Politely because I’m British and had no idea how to do anything other than that. Then I went to the nearest shop and bought mouthwash and soap and spent a good ten minutes trying to be clean again. I headed straight for the bus station and then had a massive panic attack in the street. It only hit me then what had happened.

Ending the situation with a promise of meeting again on a Tuesday night, whilst my heart was hammering away in my chest. Then I went to the nearest shop and bought mouthwash and soap on autopilot and spent a good ten minutes trying to be clean again. I headed straight for the bus station and then had a massive panic attack in the street. It only hit me then what had happened.

I headed straight for the bus station and then had a massive panic attack in the street. It only hit me then what had happened and what might have happened.

 

How do I feel about it? Like I was very…stupid and naive. That I should have noticed how creepy he was earlier. Or that maybe I would have if I wasn’t hallucinating really badly at the time and if I didn’t have Aspergers.

That guy helped me feel better about being thrown off of my course 2-3 weeks later. I was so glad I probably would never see him again.

What would have happened, if it had ended worse than it did? What if he hadn’t believed me? What if he had followed me home? I sometimes sit and imagine scenarios of what could have happened like this…I still want to scrub my face and mouth clean.

 

So that was the thing that I needed to say. I’m not sure what to call this situation. This event that happened to me. I might have been a little overly cautious with the trigger warnings at the beginning but I wanted people to be safe.

Thank you for listening to this. Although putting it out there makes me feel very anxious I also feel very free from the silence I’ve kept about this since 2012.

You deserve love and you deserve it from someone who loves you.

 

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Are we melting?

We are so tired right now.

I know that the temperature that we are dealing with right now is the reason for all of this.

It saps your energy.

Well, she needs to take off the shirt that she is wearing.

That is one of the reasons for all of this things.

Are we melting, or is this all me. Is this all me or is it you, I would like to know but I can’t remember.

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Blossom

Blossom.

Blossom is very beautiful,

Blossom is beautiful indeed.

I would like to sleep.

I would like for her to sleep.

Sleep is important, but so is the work that she is trying to do.

This is work?

Is it work?

I think it is something that she finds to be very theraputic.

Hmm. That is a good point.

This keyboard is very noisy.

It is, I don’t like it.

I don’t like it either.

I think that she should go back to the thing but she is too scared to go back to the thing.

She hates talking on the phone.

She has always hated talking on the phone.

Going for a walk would be a great idea.

We need to get out of the house.

Let’s go on a walk on Monday, let’s try to get out of the house in the morning when it isn’t that hot and we won’t get sunburnt.

Is it as crammed full of poems as her brain is? Is it as crammed full of thoughts? I am filled to the brim as so is he.

Filled with poems is a thing that floats me upon the sea. The sea we are flowing through. We are floating here on the deep waters surrounded by the glowing of jellyfish,

Jellyfish are creepy and beautiful .She wants to see more of them. More jellyfish please!

I think the choking feeling is back again. We will have to help her through it once more.

Once more the help will come.

The help will come.

It will come.

Come.

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I would rather not talk about it

Filled with the iron filings that rattle around in the bottles we carry around with us in the pockets of the cardigans we wear.

I am wearing one of those cardigans that are covered in glitter.

I would rather not talk about it.

Talking about the things that are rattling around in here in the space that are here in our brains.

A brain is something that can make decisions for us.

Sometimes they get poorly though.

Poorly brains can be a problem, a problem that we can deal with if we see people that can help us to deal with those things.

Don’t fight with the people that want to help you. That would be something that wouldn’t help with the situation.

Is there a situation that you think that you would be better at dealing with things than her?

Well she is a ghost child that bleeds everywhere…so I think I would be better at not causing a mess.

Her life is very messy as it is, it’s helpful when we try not to make it worse than it already is.

Wow we are really, really sweaty today.

Today is something, something that is uncomfortable in temperature.

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Shark. Shark. Shark.

So many happy things and yet so many sad things.

So you need to spend more time on this. You need to spend more time on this whether you are hot or not.

It’s too hot.

It’s summer it’s supposed to be hot!

We are going to be miserable this year though!

We are so hot. We are so hot right now.

We can try these things that need to be done.

She has no energy right now because of the heat.

Because of the heat we will wander among the sand dunes of the desert.

How long have you walked in the desert? Long enough to find the sand has made it’s way into my belly button.

Her throat hurts now.

It’s from not drinking enough.

Are you sure?

Wow this is awkward.

You should go downstairs it is a lot cooler downstairs.

It sounds rude, it sounds like a personal attack.

Lying with your legs in the road is not a sensible idea.

You’d probably get run over.

Wow everything is really uncomfortable right now, isn’t it?

You need to write more.

We’ll find the thing tomorrow!

It is so very, very hot at the moment and it’s driving her crazy!

I know!

It would be nice to live without this allergy.

Shark. Shark. Shark.

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Her butt’s gone to sleep

We have a lot of work to do today.

We really do, so let’s get on and get it done.

Yes, let’s.

I’m proud of you for getting over this well.

Wow, you really spilt a lot of stuff on this didn’t you?

Yes, she did but it was an accident. Everything was…

You lost your train of thought there didn’t you?

Yes, yes she did. She did very much so!

Is this going to be more comfortable?

I think so it will definitely be easier to read at least.

Wow.

Can people just not talk about nothing other than exclamations about things?

That would be nice.

It would be nice indeed.

Why don’t you just try?

I was good to you! I was good to you Micheal! I was good to you Micheal! I was good to you Micheal! I was good to you Micheal! I was good to you Micheal! I was good to you Micheal! I was good to you Micheal! I was good to you Micheal! I was good to you Micheal! I was good to you Micheal! I was good to you Micheal! I was good to you Micheal! I was good to you Micheal! I was good to you Micheal!

What’s going on?

Her neck is hurting a lot.

Her butt’s gone to sleep.

It’s ‘cos this seat is very uncomfortable!

I’m just going to awkwardly stand over here if you don’t mind!

Okay.

Feel free to do that. The girl with the bleeding eyes does that already.

Just try not to make a mess.

I’m not sure if we can trust this person.

This is an amendment to a previous act.

Wow, that is very, very weird and uncomfortable.

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